Wednesday, October 17, 2007

O Fortuna

First orchestra rehearsal for the second concert today. I get to play a lot of English horn (the Ravel and doubling in the Orff), which is nice. Daphnis and Chloe is insane. Partially because the tempo we've been taking in sectionals is about 20 beats slower than the tempo we took in rehearsal. I love the piece, though. Also, CARMINA BURANA. True, the orchestra parts are repetitive and boring, and Orff seemed to think that the oboe sounded like a nasal duck, but it's still awesome. I mean, the opening of O Fortuna? Brilliant. It makes me grin like a crazy person through all of rehearsal. The only unfortunate thing in Carmina is that the movements in which I'm playing oboe are frequently very low. This makes me wonder, why didn't he just leave them to the English horn? It would have made my life a lot easier.

I also started playing a double reed trio with my teacher and another oboist. It's nice to be in a really capable chamber group.

Tomorrow I'm driving up to Cincinnati with my dad to visit CCM and take a lesson with Dr. Ostoich, as well as tour the campus and sit in on an orchestra rehearsal. I'm bringing Fantasie Pastorale and Paladilhe Solo de Concert to play for him. I'm pretty excited, but it's emphasizing the large amounts of grad school stress going on right now.

It's that time when a lot of people feel the need to tell me how I will have a very hard time getting a job, and have a lot of debt, and never make any money. Which I appreciate in the abstract, but which in reality makes me defensive. I know I'm going into an incredibly competitive field. I know it's hard to get a job and even harder to get a job that pays enough. I'm doing it anyways. I have consciously and knowingly made this decision. And I'm not going to wake up one day and decide that I don't want to do it any more, oops. But I'm having one of those periods of time where I second guess my abilities and my choices and whether I'm doing the right thing. It's also one of those times where I start thinking things like "but even if I didn't want to do this, I have no other options," which first of all is not true, and second of all makes it sound like I'm pursuing music for the wrong reason. That's not why I'm doing music performance. The reason why I'm pursuing music is because I have the chance, and I have the dedication, and I have to do it not because I have nothing else to do but because I love it too much to do something else without first trying this as hard as I can.

So I'm going into this having thought through it and with (what seems to me) a relatively good idea of reality. Auditions? Bring it on.

I've been having trouble with personal statements, and my teacher was absolutely no help, but I met with my (major and distinguished major recital) adviser today, and he was very helpful. So I should be able to do those fairly well now. I have one with an actual essay prompt, one with a fairly specific personal statement prompt, two that are more general "what you're expecting from the program/ what your interests are", and one as yet unknown. I've started the essay, and I have a good amount of stuff to talk about in the more specific statement, which I can then use to write the more general ones. This makes me feel a good deal less stressed, actually.

I'm also a little worried that when I get to Cincinnati to play on Friday all of my reeds will have spontaneously stopped working. But luckily the weather there is supposed to be quite similar to the weather here.

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